Misery loves company. Have you heard that phrase? What it means is that when someone is unhappy, they find comfort in the unhappiness of others. They will bring people into their own misery so that they, themselves, are happier. Thus, their misery loves company. This phrase describes a narcissist perfectly and today I will discuss why your misery is their pleasure.
The narcissist has low self-esteem and a fragile ego. They want to appear as if they have it together and they are the best thing that has ever happened to you. However, that is a façade they put on. At their core, their low self-esteem places them at risk of constant feelings of shame and other negative emotions. Combine that with a fragile ego and they become incapable of managing effectively in a world which will always have people and situations which don’t happen as they would like. The narcissist must have a tight control on everything and everyone so that they can feel more in control.
And despite their best efforts to control everything around them, the unpredictability of life happens. The narcissist can’t manage the unpredictability and it exposes them to possible narcissistic injury. All of this is further complicated by their lack of object constancy. Object constancy is the ability to maintain a consistent view of a person or object, no matter what is happening at that moment. For example, if you have a best friend you have known for 10 years, they are someone you value and enjoy being around. One day they say something mean to you and you are upset. You, as a non-narcissist, can be mad at your best friend for this comment; however, you don’t consider your best friend as all bad and think of only how they have harmed you. You can be mad at their words while also recognizing that they are someone you like under different circumstances.
The narcissist can’t do that. Once someone does something which the narcissist feels is an attack on them, or has somehow wronged them, they will consider that person all bad. The narcissist is now exposed to negative emotions which they have no tools to handle.
It is at this time the narcissist will bring everyone else into their misery. They don’t want to be on the bottom all by themselves, so they bring everyone else down. They will become their cruelest because of that lack of object constancy. They can no longer see you as someone they used to care about and only see you as someone who needs to feel as miserable as them.
Their lack of empathy makes this an approach the narcissist is willing and able to take. Not only are they hurt and want to hurt others, but they also have no concept of how their actions could hurt others. So, they continue using their narcissistic punishment tactics until you feel as bad as they do. This is when the narcissist can be their most brutal. The faster they can bring you to a place of unhappiness, the faster they can feel better about themselves and lessen their exposure to narcissistic injury.
Your misery is their pleasure. If the narcissist can’t be happy, they think no one else should be happy. Don’t take the bait from the narcissist as they try to pull you into the perpetual place of misery in which they live.