Do you find yourself again apologizing to the narcissist? The narcissist is upset with you and there is tension in the air. They may rage, give you the silent treatment, or belittle you. You aren’t quite sure what you did wrong, or maybe are confident you did nothing wrong, but the narcissist is upset with you, again. In order to ease the tension and have a sense of some comfort in their presence, you apologize. You may not know why you are apologizing, but you do know that how things are right now aren’t working so you want things to change. So, you apologize. While this apology may have improved the situation between you and your narcissist at this moment, it leaves you feeling frustrated that, again, you are the only one apologizing. Today, I will discuss why you might be the only one apologizing in a toxic relationship and why that approach, while helpful in the short term, can lead to long term issues.
When there is a disagreement with a narcissist, you may not always know what the actual problem is. Remember, the narcissist is self-centered and lacks object constancy. This means they view things from the perspective of themselves solely and even if they liked you a few minutes ago, as soon as you wrong them, you are considered an enemy. They cannot hold positive and negative views of someone at the same time. This lack of object constancy is a primary reason why the narcissist can seem to flip in their emotions so quickly. They are always on the defensive against narcissistic injury which is triggered by feelings of shame. The narcissist will engage in one of their narcissistic punishment tactics as soon as they feel threatened. Some of the most common punishment tactics are the silent treatment, rage, name calling, and belittling. The narcissist needs to act quickly to get the focus off of them and onto you.
And this attack on you can come from perceived attacks on them. The narcissist has a carefully crafted reality which benefits them and isn’t always in line with the reality of everyone else. You may have done absolutely nothing wrong, but the narcissist is now mad at you and blaming you. You don’t know what the problem is so you can’t work through resolving the issue. However, that aside, even if there is a clear problem, the narcissist isn’t looking to work through the issues and make changes in themselves. They lack the ability to take responsibility for things because that will also expose them to shame and narcissistic injury.
Now that the narcissist is mad at you, it is uncomfortable being around them. You have found over the course of the relationship with the narcissist that sometimes it is just easier to apologize for your alleged wrongdoings as a way to make things less stressful in their presence. So, yet again, you apologize. You know the narcissist will never apologize so that responsibility is left on you. Keep in mind that the narcissist will never apologize because that would mean they are taking responsibility for something, and they cannot take responsibility due to their unstable sense of self.
The apology you have given has decreased the tension in the room and it is now easier to be in their presence. However, what has happened is what is called a short-term benefit which has long-term consequences. In the short-term, the narcissist is no longer punishing you for the alleged wrongdoing you committed against them, and the relationship can return to its baseline level of functioning. But the long-term consequence of your apology, especially if you didn’t do anything wrong, is this is a situation the narcissist can add to their list of ways in which you are the problem and not them. By apologizing, you are, in the narcissist’s eyes, saying that you committed a wrong. The narcissists escapes responsibility and their blame shifting has worked. They lack insight into the actual dynamics of what is happening, but they come away from that interaction thinking that you are, in fact, the problem.
In fact, this very situation could be used against you in the future and provides them with more material to use against you as they consider you as the person who is always wrong and the problem.
In the short term, the relationship between you and the narcissist is improved; however, in the long term, the narcissist has now solidified in their mind that you are the problem when you apologize. They will use this as a way to blame shift and as a part of their gaslighting in the future. Sometimes, apologizing is the easiest way out of the situation with the narcissist and will happen. However, if you find you are always the one apologizing and not the narcissist, consider whether this is a relationship that benefits you and is good for your overall mental and physical health. If you can leave the relationship, consider that option. If you can’t leave the relationship, rely on your support network when the narcissist makes things uncomfortable or unsafe for you. Try to avoid apologizing whenever you can because this only gives the narcissist more material to use against you and helps them inflate their narcissistic supply so they can be more readily abusive in the future.