If you have been following me for a while then you have heard me discuss over and over again how the narcissist is self-absorbed, thinks only of themselves, and is resistant to change. But considering all of that information, can a narcissist change or are they really a lost cause that you have to either separate yourself from to gain your sanity, or just suck it up and take their abuse? Is change reliant on you, or is there an option where the narcissist works on positive changes in themselves? Can therapy help a narcissist, and if so, how?
There are many ways a person finds themselves in therapy. The best option would be for them to realize there are things they need to work on for their benefit and/or the benefit of those around them, so they make the decision to start therapy on their own. However, other people find themselves in therapy at the encouragement, or even requirement, of others. Encouragement can come from a person who tells their partner that they need to attend therapy or the relationship will never last or the parent who encourages a child going down the wrong path to seek therapy. And required therapy is usually court ordered after a criminal charge. How someone finds themselves in therapy does have an influence on how much benefit they get from therapy. This isn’t to say those who enter therapy through encouragement or requirement can’t benefit from therapy; however, it does require the person to go into therapy with a willingness to learn about themselves and to make changes.
For the narcissist, they rarely seek out therapy on their own. This is because the narcissist doesn’t believe there is anything about them that needs to change. They must maintain the belief that they are all-knowing and superior to protect against narcissistic shame. And to admit something needs to be worked on in therapy is counter to how the narcissist thinks. They are flawless and the problem is with everyone else. They believe everyone else needs to change and not them.
But what happens if a narcissist does find themselves in therapy, either voluntarily or at the encouragement or requirement of others? Can therapy help a narcissist? The answer to that depends. It largely depends on the narcissist’s ability to consider changes they need to make. In the absence of understanding your role in issues you are experiencing, then no changes can be made. Narcissists are expert finger pointers and blame shifters, which doesn’t work in therapy. Therapy requires responsibility taking, and while narcissists will struggle in therapy, I want to discuss how therapy CAN help a narcissist.
When therapy is administered by someone who understands Narcissistic Personality Disorder, therapy can benefit the narcissist by teaching them how their actions affect others. However, this must be done through an approach where the narcissist sees how changing will benefit THEM. At the end of the day, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a long-standing disorder which is part of the person and resistant to any change. If you approach a narcissist like a non-narcissist in therapy, you will hit roadblocks. The narcissist lacks empathy and has an unstable sense of self. They can’t take the perspective of others so they can’t consider how their actions affect others. If therapy is approached in a way that focuses on how others are being hurt by the narcissist, they will not understand this concept, and also push back because they will feel targeted in the therapy sessions.
Instead of discussing how their actions affect others, it would be helpful for the therapist to help the narcissist identify how their actions are not getting them what they want. The narcissist is inner focused and everything revolves around them. When the therapist can help them see how they aren’t getting what they want then this can be a pathway to change. All people, including narcissists, need to see a benefit to changing their behaviors and in the absence of seeing a benefit, then people are resistant to change.
Once the narcissist sees a benefit to change, even if that benefit is in the context of helping only them, the therapist can help the narcissist understand their triggers. The narcissist is always on the defensive to protect against narcissistic shame. They are overly sensitive to what is happening around them because they must fiercely protect their narcissistic supply which is their buffer to the world. They are sensitive to triggers that might expose them as a fraud and when they feel like they have been found out for the fraud they are, they will engage in their narcissistic punishment tactics of rage and silent treatment. Helping the narcissist understand that their acting out only works against them will help them see changes that are needed. They need to understand their triggers so they can avoid them versus reacting to them. And when the narcissist can lower their defenses by being less reactive, then they are less abusive to those around them.
Therapy will only help a narcissist when the therapist can reach the narcissist at their level. This means understanding that the narcissist can only see things from their perspective, and this is where change happens. A narcissist can change in therapy, but based on their own goals of how they will benefit in the end, and not based on what others might need from them. And at the end of the day, if the narcissist is less abusive and more pleasant to be around, does it really matter how they got to that point?