Today I want to discuss gaslighting. As I watch social media, I see many videos where people say they are being gaslighted, but it isn’t an actual example of gaslighting. I hope to provide clarification on what gaslighting is, and what it isn’t. When the term is used incorrectly, the actual term starts to lose value. Not hearing what you want doesn’t mean you are being gaslighted. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation and control, and you want to be able to understand it fully to be able to understand when you are actually being gaslighted so you can take back control in those specific situations.
Let me provide a quick reminder on what gaslighting is. You can look up some of my other content on gaslighting to get more information on this topic. Briefly, gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which the goal of the person engaging in the gaslighting, the abuser, is to have the victim doubt their truths. The victim may question their reality and doubt their own memory and perception due to the manipulation used by the gaslighter. Gaslighting is used to gain control over a person or people.
When someone is gaslighting, they accuse the person of being “crazy”, “sensitive”, or they are misremembering something. The gaslighter is trying to alter the person’s reality so that the gaslighter can create a new reality that benefits them.
But there is another way in which someone can dismiss you and make statements that have you doubt yourself and that is with invalidation.
Invalidation is when someone denies, dismisses, or outright rejects someone’s feelings. Through invalidation, the message is sent that the person’s experiences are wrong, or even unacceptable. For example, if I am sad and crying because I didn’t get an A on a test, someone may tell me I shouldn’t be upset and crying because the B I did receive is still a good grade and I should appreciate it. They are invalidating my sadness over a grade and suggesting that isn’t something I should be sad about.
In fact, when someone tells you that you should appreciate what you do have, tell you how others have it worse, or something similar, those are all invalidating statements. The message being sent is that your emotional response, and the thoughts about the situation that led to the emotional response, are wrong and unacceptable and you should be responding differently.
So, as you can tell, gaslighting and invalidation are very similar. At the core of each of them is a person being told, either directly or indirectly, that their thoughts and feelings are wrong. They sound very similar, but are they the same?
This brings me to the most important take away today and that is gaslighting is invalidating but not all invalidation is gaslighting. I’ll say it again. Gaslighting is invalidating but not all invalidation is gaslighting.
Just because someone has told you how you feel is wrong, or your experiences are not true, it doesn’t mean they are gaslighting you. Yes, they are invalidating your experiences, but they aren’t necessarily gaslighting you.
When you are considering whether you are being gaslighted or only invalidated, the concept of control is an important piece. At the very root of gaslighting is the need to control and to create an alternate reality that best serves the gaslighter.
On social media, where I hear gaslighting spoken about incorrectly the most is in the medical setting. A person has discussed their symptoms with their doctor and are told they are wrong or otherwise not experiencing what they say they are experiencing.
If your doctor is making you feel like you are wrong in your symptom description, or even that you are imagining them, this is absolutely invalidating but this doesn’t mean it is gaslighting.
The doctor, or any other person, may be providing information counter to your beliefs due to a lack of knowledge, misunderstanding, them being jerks, them not wanting to do extra work, etc. However, none of those are motivated by control. The goal isn’t to alter your own reality. Just because someone questions you and doesn’t believe you, it doesn’t mean they are disagreeing or telling you are wrong as a way to alter your reality. The doctor may see reality differently from you, but their goal isn’t for you to leave the appointment questioning what is real and what is not. Again, you may question whether your experience is real, is a big deal, etc, but the doctor’s goal isn’t to have you walk around the world with a carefully crafted reality they have made for you to their own benefit.
The doctor may not believe you but that doesn’t mean they are gaslighting you. Is it possible for a doctor to gaslight you? Definitely! But that is the exception. Remember, gaslighting is invalidating but not all invalidation is gaslighting. Someone not agreeing with you, understanding you, or seeing things the way you do doesn’t always mean they are gaslighting you.
Why is that important? You want to use words correctly in the correct context because to perpetuate something as fact when the word is misused then becomes invalidating to someone who truly is being gaslighted, but it is being compared to a situation of invalidation and not gaslighting. Invalidation and gaslighting can both negatively affect your trust in someone, but when you can fully understand what is happening, you can better respond in a way that will be most effective.