Talking to a narcissist can be dizzying. They argue with everything you say, counter your experiences, and then tell you that you are wrong or crazy. No matter what the topic, the narcissist will always turn it back on you. You also feel like you are having two different conversations when you are talking with the narcissist because their responses don’t seem to match up with what you are even talking about. Regardless of the reason for the narcissist blame shifting or their use of word salad in the conversation, you wonder “Why won’t the narcissist listen to me?” Why would the narcissist be talking to you, yet still appear to not be listening to you?
The narcissist is often dismissive in their interactions with others. They will look away, interrupt, or provide a response related to what they want to talk about and not what you are already discussing. For the narcissist, they are self-centered and feel entitled. They think everyone wants to be just like them, thus, they hold conversations which are about them and no one else. The conversations with narcissists feel one-sided, because they are one sided.
The narcissist isn’t interested in listening to you because they don’t think you add any value to their life. They are grandiose and think people are envious of them. They often don’t turn to others for growth or knowledge. And listening shows interest and investment in someone’s life. The narcissist must always keep you at an emotional distance because when someone feels unwanted, they are easier to control and manipulate.
The narcissist also doesn’t listen to you because to listen could suggest a desire to change. If the person conversing with the narcissist is talking about how the relationship can change or improve, the narcissist immediately goes on the defensive due to feeling like they are being attacked because of their fragile ego. Even if the other person’s intentions are good, the narcissist won’t see it that way. They hear the other person’s words as them being flawed in some way, and this exposes them to narcissistic injury.
But after everything I have just discussed about why the narcissist won’t listen to you, I will now state that the narcissist IS actually listening to you, but covertly. They aren’t invested in you or making changes so they can’t present themselves as someone who cares. They don’t want to have a two-sided conversation related to what you want to discuss. Rather, the narcissist is listening with the sole goal of using your words against you in the future. They listen for your weaknesses, insecurities, and even things which make you happy. They hear your every word because they need to know the specific happenings of your life for those words to be a part of their future control and manipulation strategies.
The narcissist acting like they aren’t listening to you is part of their overall manipulation. But don’t be fooled, they hear you loud and clear and they will let you know they listened, when it is most convenient for them.