The day has finally come where the narcissist is finally being nice to you. It has been days, weeks, or the entire relationship where the narcissist has been mean and cruel but things are turning a new corner and they are now being nice. What could be happening? When the narcissist starts being nice does that mean they are finally changing and becoming a new person?
Most of us want to see the good in people. We want to believe they are capable of change and capable of becoming a better person. We work under the default that anyone can change to be better. However, if you have interacted with a narcissist, you become jaded and lose your hope that they can change and be nice. It is hard to see them as someone who cares about you and wants what is best for you. When they are mad, they are brutal, and go on the attack. If you try to discuss what has happened as a way to resolve the issues and strengthen communication, this is turned around on you, and you are seen as the problem. The blame-shifting and accusations start, and you are reminded that the narcissist lives in a constant state of unhappiness, and they want to bring everyone down with them.
That being said, however, there are times in which the narcissist is nice. These moments are exciting, but also confusing. And if you have been here before, just for it all to be taken away again once they are angry, it is even more confusing. What makes a narcissist start to be nice but then seemingly take it away in an instant as soon as they are upset about something?
Before we discuss this further, I want you to remember that you must think like a narcissist. We aren’t discussing logical reasons why a person is being nice, such as they are happy for your success, or wish you well in an upcoming activity. The narcissist is inner focused and only thinks of themselves. They are nice when it benefits them. There is no other reason why a narcissist would be nice. Niceness from a narcissist isn’t given freely because they feel like being a good person today. They were nice because it somehow benefits them.
The narcissist must always be aware of how much supply they have in the reserves. The supply is their buffer to the world they feel is out to get them. They are always on the defensive to protect against shame and narcissistic injury, which can lead to narcissistic collapse. The narcissist lacks empathy, but is acutely aware that sometimes they need to be nice to people in order to get their way.
The narcissist may use niceness to manipulate another person. They seek something from the person, so they behave in a way which is most likely to get them what they are seeking. If you pay attention, you will notice their niceness is conditional, and will end as soon as the narcissist has gotten what they want. However, this can also be tricky to notice because the narcissist reacts to their internal insecurities, and you may not even know why they are upset and need to boost their narcissistic supply.
The narcissist will also be nice for validation. The narcissist may act nicely to hear positive words from others and receive praise for the nice thing they did. This niceness for validation is still manipulation because it is done to boost the narcissist’s ego and not because they care about being nice to someone else. This is just another way in which they use others to boost their narcissistic supply.
The narcissist has a fragile ego and low self-esteem. They cannot independently make themselves feel better about themselves, so they must use others. They will oftentimes be cruel and use their narcissistic punishment tactics, but sometimes they are nice to someone else. While it might be refreshing to see the kinder side of the narcissist for once, don’t get pulled into their game of control and manipulation by taking the bait of the niceness they are dangling in front of you. Ask yourself “why would the narcissist be nice now”? There is a reason that benefits the narcissist, and it isn’t because they suddenly have become a better person. If you take the bait and feed into their niceness, you are only being an accomplice in the boosting of the narcissistic ego so that they can flip into their cruel ways again as soon as their supply is fully inflated.