If you are someone who knows a narcissist, or does research about narcissists, you likely have seen a lot of information on why relationships with narcissists don’t work. There are thousands of videos or articles on why narcissists aren’t good partners or friends and why a relationship with a narcissist would never work. Despite all the information on why the relationship won’t work, you may be wondering if a relationship with a narcissist will ever work. Despite all the seemingly negative information on narcissists, is it possible for a relationship with a narcissist to work? Today, I will discuss the only way relationships with narcissists will work.
Before I discuss the only thing that works with a narcissist, I want to remind you that when I discuss relationships with narcissists, this can be any type of relationship, to include dating, friend, familial, or occupational. A narcissist is a narcissist no matter what type of relationship they are in. That is why Narcissistic Personality Disorder is considered a personality disorder. What that means is their personality influences almost all aspects of their life and isn’t specific to only certain parts of their life.
The narcissist is self-centered and only thinks of themselves. They are controlling and manipulative and always on the defensive to protect against narcissistic shame or being found out as a fraud. They project their own insecurities onto others. And they can’t take responsibility for their own actions, so they blame shift, making everyone else the problem. They are master gaslighters, which allows them to maintain their belief that you are the problem and everything that is wrong in the relationship is because of you. You feel like you are never good enough for the narcissist because the narcissist believes you are never good enough.
All that sounds depressing and hopeless, and you may wonder how it is possible that a relationship with a narcissist could ever work. That is a valid question.
The only way relationships with narcissists will work is if you come down to the level of the narcissist. This requires you to lose your own ability to think independently and you must now think like a narcissist and behave the way they expect you to.
The narcissist has tight control on the world around them and everything is carefully planned out by them. They can’t handle unpredictability, so they control everything and everyone. For the relationship with the narcissist to work, you must be willing to be controlled and lose your own independence.
The relationship with the narcissist works when you cater to their own wants and needs and never challenge the narcissist. To challenge the narcissist will lead to them seeing you as a threat and they will quickly use one of their narcissistic punishment tactics against you, so you know the challenge isn’t accepted. They need predictability in their life, and this requires you to behave how they want you to. However, the narcissist is unpredictable because they respond to internal insecurities, and you never really know what they are thinking. So, for the relationship with the narcissist to be successful, you must be good at mind reading and knowing what the narcissist needs from you.
Even if the narcissist is being kind and the relationship appears to be working, the narcissist will still be abusive and manipulative. The person who succeeds in the narcissist relationship is someone who doesn’t take things personally. The narcissist uses their abusive tactics when they need to protect themselves against shame and it has nothing to do with the other person. However, they will make it about you and target your insecurities when they feel insecure. So, you need to be able to not take things personally from the narcissist.
The narcissist will always think of themselves and no one else and for the relationship with the narcissist to work, you need to remember you will never be the priority. For some people, they are ok not being in the lead in the relationship and this arrangement works for them.
There truly is someone for everyone, and this is true even for the narcissist. A relationship with the narcissist will be successful if the other person is willing to cater to the needs of the narcissist, be able to predict in a world of unpredictability, and not take their abuse personally. A relationship with a narcissist will also work if the other person isn’t a fixer. The narcissist has absolutely no interest in being fixed, and all attempts will be met with one of their punishment tactics. To be with a narcissist means you embrace all their flaws and you let them be themselves with very little intervention.