Have you ever felt like you were being blamed for everything? Big or little, everything that didn’t turn out well was your fault. You were never complimented or thanked when things went well, but always blamed when things went wrong. Everything is your fault that didn’t work out for the other person. This can be infuriating because oftentimes you are blamed for things that you didn’t even have control over. They were the fault of someone else, yet you were to blame. When someone blames you for something that didn’t go well, they are using blame shifting; they are shifting the blame from themselves and onto you. One group of people who are experts at blame shifting are narcissists. Today, I will discuss the blame shifting of the narcissist and why narcissists need to stop blaming others for their problems.
To take responsibility for something means you are capable of seeing the wrong you committed and the role you played in the outcome. This doesn’t even have to be for big things and can be for anything which can be considered your fault. You may have rounded a corner at the grocery store too fast and ran into someone. Is that a life changing event? No. But there is the expectation you take responsibility for your role in the behavior and not immediately blame the other person. When someone does something and their immediate response is to become defensive and blame, they lack the ability to take responsibility. And to avoid negative feelings within themselves, they will blame shift and make it about someone else. To someone who has narcissistic traits, taking responsibility activates feelings of shame. They don’t know how to manage the feelings of shame, so they blame shift to avoid feeling these emotions.
The narcissist always blaming others for their own issues is a form of survival for them. They present as flawless and all-knowing, but at their core, they have low self-esteem and unstable senses of self. They can’t make themselves feel better on their own so they must rely on others to boost their ego and protect them against narcissistic injury and then narcissistic collapse. To admit fault opens them up to being found out for the fraud they are, and they don’t know how to handle this reality.
The narcissist must have tight control over everything around them. They are always on the defensive and try to control everything and everyone so that they aren’t surprised with something they can’t handle. They have a script which they follow and expect others to follow as well, even though they don’t communicate what their expectations are.
And when their carefully crafted script is affected by outside influences, they are at risk of narcissistic collapse. When something goes wrong, or unexpectedly, in their world, they can’t consider themselves as a reason for the negative outcome. This is why they blame-shift. The problem is because of everyone else and not because of them. The mistake, problem, or negative outcome can’t be because of something they did because in their mind not only can they do no wrong, but they also have planned for everything, and it is not possible that they could have made a mistake in the script they have written for themselves. In fact, they become upset with others around them who would have an influence on their carefully crafted plan.
Due to the narcissist’s low self-esteem, lack of object constancy, and unstable sense of self, they will not be able to stop blaming others for their problems. It is how they survive in a world which they think is out to get them. As long as they can continue to point the finger at someone else, then the eyes are off of them. While they may act like they are superior and want everyone to notice them, that is only true when it is for good things.
If you are blamed for something by the narcissist, don’t engage with the accusation. They aren’t looking for feedback on what they could have done wrong or what they can change. They are only looking to bait you into thinking you are the problem. You naturally want to defend yourself, but all that does is now turn the focus on how you were wrong and how you are defending yourself against the alleged wrongdoing. Don’t be the escape for the narcissist to face their own issues. If you are blamed by the narcissist during one of their blame shifting episodes, step back and do something else. The narcissist will likely move on if they believe that you aren’t thinking about what they did wrong. The sooner they can get past their own insecurity and defensiveness, the quicker your life will return to normal.