Being in a relationship with a narcissist can feel isolating and you often feel alone. Your partner not only doesn’t support you but will continuously put you down so that you feel even worse about yourself. You lose interest in things you used to enjoy and your self-esteem plummets as you start to believe the abusive words from the narcissist and question if you really are the problem. You already feel like it is you against the world due to the impact of the abuse on your overall well-being. However, things are complicated by the fact that no one believes you that your partner is a narcissist. Why would people around you not see them as a narcissist, even when you tell them how they treat you?
The narcissist is a stage actor in a play which they have created of their own reality. They carefully craft out their role depending on who their audience is. They know when to act a certain way to get their own needs met. When the narcissist is behind closed doors with you, they are a very different person than when they are in public. The narcissist has an image to protect and when they are in public, they will do anything they can to protect their image. They need to appear confident, all-knowing, and superior to others. They also often believe people are envious of them and want to be like them.
The narcissist has learned that to get people to see them as the superior person they want you to believe they are, they must present a certain way. Remember, the narcissist is always on the lookout for potential supply sources, to include flying monkeys. To find sources of supply to boost their narcissistic ego, they must act in a way in which people trust them and want to be a part of their life. So, in public, the narcissist can present as kind and caring because this leads to people letting their guard down and trusting them. The narcissist is always using their manipulation strategies to their advantage, and no one is safe from their manipulation.
You know the narcissist isn’t the kind and fun-loving person everyone thinks they are, however. Behind closed doors the narcissist is abusive and controlling. There are days in which they can be loving and caring, but it is short-lived and dependent on what they need for themselves, and not based on your own happiness. It can be devastating to receive abuse from the narcissist while no one else can see how they treat you. You tell people how they really are, but they choose to believe the narcissist isn’t that way and don’t trust your own words. This makes you feel even more alone and isolated.
Remember the narcissist is a great actor and can act as caring when needed. This is likely the reason you are even with them to begin with. They were kind to you at one point, so you let them in. If the narcissist name called, raged, and belittled you from the day you met, it is unlikely you would have even started to see them. They know this and can be enjoyable to be around when it benefits them.
It isn’t that others don’t believe your partner is a narcissist. Rather, they don’t know how to make sense of differing information they are receiving. They listen when you describe the behaviors of your partner; however, when it is drastically counter to their own experiences, they don’t know what to think. It would be nice if they could believe you and not take the side of the narcissist, not tell you that you are overreacting, or engage in some other invalidating treatment of you. But the truth is, we all need to learn from our own experiences and come to conclusions based on our own world.
This is likely not what you want to hear but remember, your friend or family member doesn’t care any less about you. Rather, they are forming an opinion based on their own experiences, and sometimes we are wrong in the conclusion we come to. You know firsthand how manipulative the narcissist is and it is understandable those around you are falling for their manipulation tactics. If possible, try to find a support network that does validate your experiences and don’t rely on those who make you feel more alone in your experiences.