Lying can come from outright denial of something, or by saying nothing at all. We have all known someone, maybe even ourselves, who lied about a situation when asked about it. You ask your friend if you look good in your outfit and they say yes, even if they don’t think you do. Or a child who has chocolate all over their face but denies they ate the cookie. Lying is commonplace, and the reasons we lie are as varied as the lies which are told. Some lies are innocent and meant to protect the feelings of someone else and other lies are told because it is the easiest way out of a situation we may not want to discuss. Most lies are harmless and don’t have a significant impact on the relationship. However, other lies can erode trust in a relationship and break down communication while allowing the liar to manipulate and control. A lie which is commonly done by narcissists is what is often called lying by omission. Today, I will discuss this type of lie which involves sometimes saying nothing at all.
Narcissists lie by not saying anything. How can that be? This type of lying, appropriately called lying by omission, is when the narcissist will purposefully leave out information so that you don’t get the full picture. They are lying by omitting important information. Let’s look at an example.
You ask the narcissist if they have met up with their ex since you two have been together. They respond no, they haven’t met up with their ex since you two have been together. You later learn that they went to dinner together 1 week after you asked them if they had met up with their ex. You confront them about this, and they tell you that when you asked, they hadn’t gone out with their ex so they were being truthful, in their mind. However, when you asked the question about whether they have met up with their ex, they were planning to meet up and it could be assumed you were asking about contact of any sort, to include pending contact which was planned. As you would expect, the narcissist won’t give away more information than they want to, so they use lying by omission. They don’t share the full picture and omit important information so they aren’t confronted with their decisions.
Lying by omission is a manipulation strategy used by the narcissist which becomes a word game for them. They expect you to phrase your questions exactly in line with their reality, and if the question doesn’t line up with their exact expectations, then they don’t have to admit to anything. This becomes exhausting for you because you must think at length about how you will phrase everything to get a somewhat truthful response from them. If the narcissist can find a hole which allows them to continue their lying, they will.
Of course, you can’t come up with every possible question which will produce an honest and forthcoming response from the narcissist, and this is why they can continue to use lying by omission as a common manipulation strategy. The narcissist isn’t looking to be honest with you. To be honest exposes them to scrutiny or questioning of their decisions and they want no one to intervene in their actions. The narcissist thinks only of themselves, and they do what they want, regardless of how it affects others. The best way to avoid being lied to by the narcissist, either directly or indirectly, is by not having contact with the narcissist. However, if you must continue to communicate with the narcissist, be prepared to come up with all of your questions after unnecessary thought and preparation so that you can get the most honest answer possible from a narcissist.