You have been here before with the narcissist. You did something to wrong them, and they lash out at you with their narcissist rage. They go on the attack and do everything they can to ensure they protect against feelings of shame to prevent exposure for the fraud they are. In their attempts to preserve their narcissist supply, which is quickly escaping from the hole which has been punctured into their already fragile ego, they will use a variety of narcissistic punishment tactics. During the non-stop verbal assaults from the narcissist when they go into preservation mode, they will often tell you the relationship is over. You believe they have discarded you because of the wrong you committed against them. However, does the narcissist really mean it’s over, when they say it’s over?
The narcissist says a lot of things and most of the time they don’t mean what they say. They say things to keep people at a distance so they can protect against narcissistic injury. This is a defense mechanism they have found works for them. This is when they are their most destructive and say things to hurt others. The narcissist doesn’t want to be at the bottom alone, so they will bring others down with them. Their narcissist supply will deflate slower if they feel like others are suffering the same way they are.
And because they want to push people away when they are at risk of experiencing narcissistic injury, they will say whatever they think will be the most hurtful to the other person at that time. This often involves them telling you the relationship is over. This is an effective strategy for them because their outbursts often come when they experience a perceived wrongdoing, meaning they believe someone has wronged them, even if the other person hasn’t. If the narcissist tells you the relationship is over after something you did or said to them, this is blame shifting which is effective because now you try to figure out why they are so upset because you didn’t actually do anything that would warrant the reaction they are giving. To the narcissist, they feel targeted and wronged, and this is a valid feeling for them, even if not in line with the reality of everyone else.
When the narcissist tells you it’s over, this is a way in which they engage in splitting to protect against narcissistic injury. During splitting, the narcissist categorizes someone as all-good or all-bad. The narcissist can’t feel the good and bad feelings about someone at the same time, so they split into all good or all bad. Splitting is a defense mechanism that allows the narcissist to not feel uncomfortable by the presence of good and bad together. When they split, they can keep these two dichotomous concepts independent of each other and protect their unstable sense of self.
If the narcissist feels like you have done something to target them, you are considered all bad at that moment. They don’t remember the good times you had together and can’t consider things that can be good in the future. The quicker they can split and protect from further narcissistic injury, and preserve what narcissist supply they have left, the better they feel. By saying they are done with you and things are over, they are making you the problem and not themselves. Pushing away from you prevents further narcissistic injury.
The narcissist discards when they are angry is often temporary and is rarely the final discard. It will only be a final discard if they have no other supply sources in the waiting that can fill the void which would be left by your departure. The narcissist claiming the relationship is over is an impulsive statement said in the moment of being on the defensive. They haven’t thought through that statement and most definitely don’t know if they want to commit to the statement. It is a reflex response that they don’t have any actual commitment beyond that moment in which they are splitting and placing you into all bad.
Once the narcissist supply is fully inflated again, they will act as if nothing happened and return to you with no apologies or acknowledgement of what happened. This behavior from the narcissist can be confusing and frustrating, but also maintains the trauma bond which leads to you staying in the relationship longer. The back and forth of the narcissist won’t change due to their unstable sense of self. When the narcissist has pushed you away, use that time to re-evaluate whether this relationship is healthy for you and consider leaving the narcissist to find someone who respects and values you.